The Good Guest
The Early Bird Gets…The Boot!
Who wants a worm, anyway? Few things are more discombobulating to a host than having guests arrive early. By now, you might have guessed that I am not one to count spontaneity as a virtue; everything is planned down to the last moment and the last detail. I realize that to my enduringly-patient husband, loving family and tolerant friends, this quality renders me an often-annoying, antiquated, rigid, foolish, and somewhat-amusing stick-in- the-mud. But I can’t help it if other people are wrong. If you don’t understand why the toilet paper (excuse me, “bathroom tissue”) must be dispensed over the top of the roll, we should part ways now and cut our losses. And yes, canned goods must have their labels facing outward in the cupboards. How the hell else are you going to know what’s on hand? Even Andy Warhol understood this basic principle.
Nearly all adult parties are separated into two distinct varieties: cocktail and dinner. True cocktail parties, or “drinks parties,” are typically from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. with the ending time stated, allowing guests to make individual dinner plans immediately afterward. Be a good guest and arrive by 7:15 p.m. at the latest and don’t linger past the prescribed time. Dinner parties often proffer a 7:00 p.m. invitation (with dinner being served 30 to 45 minutes later) and go on for about three hours . . . or indefinitely, depending on the day of the week and level of debauchery among your friends. Don’t arrive more than twenty minutes late for a dinner party, period. This is the limit of what’s known as being “fashionably late”; anything more is just rude. We love dinner parties, especially now that we’re getting a smidge older, because the entire environment has been tailored for our pleasure by the gracious hosts.
We’re always hearing “it’s never too early for this, never too early for that.” Well, I am here to tell you that being early to a party of any sort is the most ghastly of crimes, right up there with grand larceny and manslaughter. Only arrive early if you are asked to do so by the host. Being early could end in murder, your murder. Think about it: your host has likely spent at least two days making lists, shopping, contemplating floral selections and lighting plans, cleaning, rearranging furniture, getting the glassware and the spouse up to snuff, loading up the playlist, and more. All these tasks culminate in the most magical of moments when the first guests arrive and the host and/or hostess knows it’s all under control. Everything is glowing and the promise of Shangri-La is at hand! If that appointed time is 7:00 p.m. and you ring the bell at 6:52 p.m., all is lost. The fantasy that the party was tossed together with carefree ease is dashed. Unless the hosts have hired some help (an excellent idea, by the way) or have a coterie of live-in servants, the hostess will be forced to answer the door in a flop sweat with just one smokey eye finished and her hair still half-frizzed.
You see, your host needs those final eight minutes to pull it off. All the dinner party chores were finished (barely!) by 6:22 p.m. and she allotted those last minutes to ready herself. Now do you get it? Arriving early steals away her glamour and puts her on edge, a situation that could take 45 minutes and two glasses of wine to overcome. Even if her mate is ready-to-roll a little early and answers the door, she still knows you’re out there lurking in her living room! Ugh. Apartment living provides a built-in barrier to your felonious friends. Just don’t answer the buzzer, or direct the doorman to invite the eager beavers to cool their heels in the lobby. When living in NYC, I confess to using the former method to ward off the well-intentioned, wine-toting primates.
So do yourself, your host, and the world a favor: arrive at 7:08 p.m. and you will be met with warmth, joy, and a lovely libation. Any earlier and you could find yourself on the slab. Well, at our house anyway . . .
